Saturday, July 20, 2013

Him and little dogs

I'm trying to convince him to get a little dog.... have been trying for years.  So I finally decided on a new tactic... pushing for a really really old little dog.  That way it'd die soon. 

Men are logical creatures and I feel like this will go over well as long as I don't mention that vet bills will be astronomical to keep the thing alive for as long as possible. 

If you're reading this, B...  I love you. (You knew I was like this when you married me.) 

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Dirty little secrets

I still vividly remember falling in love with my husband.  I rememeber him being all mysterious and so damn sexy I could hardly stand it.  We've been married for a respectable number of years now, and he's still so damn sexy and I can't get enough of him... but now what makes it fun is that all those secrets of his that used to make him so mysterious are mine.

Him: Work is calling.  Can you pause it?  I don't want them to know I'm watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Monday, March 4, 2013

How to *properly* medicate your dog

It is important to know how to medicate your dog correctly, so that the experience will be a pleasing one for him.  This ensures that next time he needs his medication, he will come running for it!  I think the movie, Bourne Legacy, does a fantastic job at illustrating the *proper* way to medicate an animal.

First, explain to your dog in calming manner what you're about to do to him.

Let's have a bit of medication, hm?  I could rub your tummy first...

You might get this response:


The cheese was stale last time, you asshole.  Just TRY and medicate me.
He may proceed to run after you in a fit of murderous rage.  Be sure to catch him in a snare. (you were supposed to set that up earlier.  I hope you read through ALL of the instructions before doing this).



Shoot dog's friends.


THIS IS HOW I MEDICATE YOUR FRIENDS.
All of them!


WE WERE ALL OUT OF AMERICAN AND THAT CHEESE WAS EXPENSIVE!
Tackle dog from snare.



Thrust stick between jaws.  This is a comfort measure.


I'LL TAKE THE CHEESE!  I'LL TAKE THE CHEESE! OMG, PLEASE.  GIVE ME THE CHEESE!
Insert medication like so.



Gently hold jaws together to ensure swallowing, while speaking in soothing tones.


STOP TRYING TO SPIT YOUR MEDICATION ALL OVER MY NEW HOBO GLOVES!  THIS IS TO MAKE YOU BETTER!
Congratulations!  You've medicated your dog! A well medicated dog will leap over logs, literally following you to the ends of the earth to receive his next dose. 

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Really, Bourne Legacy? really?

Preface: I LOVE Jason Bourne movies.  And there are spoilers in this post.

After watching Bourne Legacy (4th movie)

Me:  The 4th movie was ok, but after that guy was like, "Call in Bangkok," I was like, omg, really?! So you kill off all your secret guys, and then use another secret guy that we supposedly didn't know about to kill off the last secret guy who won't die.  I mean, c'mon.

Him: They had TONS of programs going, they were the next generation, they were better-

Me: Uh huh, yeah, haven't heard that plot line before.  At some point, you just need to stop.

Him: I want to see this generation fight the last one to see who will win...

Me: Like Jason Bourne and this new guy are fighting?

Him: Exactly...

Me: They're all sweaty, grunting, and fighting to the death and then suddenly they stop and laugh at each other and Jason Bourne is all, "Hey man, how about we just go grab a beer..."

Him:  And then that music clip at the end sounds


PS - What I really think they need to do is have these two kids (Bourne and whatever that guy's name was... we'll just call him wolf molester...) pair up and destroy each corrupt politician one at a time.  You can only have so many secret assassins, and let's face it, we all know that Jason Bourne would end them all if it came down to it.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Published Short - Guns and Zombies - A Chick's Perspective

My short story was published in an anthology called Attack of the Zombie Hippies.  Click on the title to see the amazon link.

This anthology was put together for a good cause - to help wounded veterans through the Independence Fund.  It also contains coupons for some cool stuff that probably has the word "tactical" in the name. 

You can read more about it here and here

I had a lot fun with this one.


Wednesday, December 19, 2012

WTF Wednesday - What happens when you order *whole* flounder

WTF Wednesday is where I post a picture from my past that makes you say, "WTF."  Simple. Easy. And worth at least 1000 words.  Enjoy.


At least we know he died happy.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Baby Rodeo

The rodeo evolved from cowboys showing off their skills they developed while doing their jobs.  So I thought... why not a rodeo for stay at home parents?  Events include:

  • Fastest swaddle (baby must stay swaddled for 1 minute)
  • Find the paci
  • Fastest blow out cleanup
  • Maintaining resting heart rate for 8 seconds while baby screams in face
  • Moby sprints (infant must stay sleeping... sprint from one side of grocery store to the other with baby mobied to your body)
All participants may have no more than 2 hours sleep in the 24 hours before competing.